5 Ways To Deal With Unmatchable Intimacy Desires

Sexual satisfaction of both the partners is extremely important to have a fulfilling married life. But what happens when the partners have unmatched libidos? Should the people with a higher drive compromise on their sexual needs or should they seek sexual fulfillment outside of their marriage? Should the partners with the lower sex drive give in to the sexual requests of the other partner unwillingly? Whichever may be the case, there is bound to be resentment and conflict in the relationship, that can ultimately lead to the end of the relationship. Does that mean a relationship is doomed if the sex drives of both partners are incompatible?

Sexual incompatibility is a big problem, but there are some good solutions for that. Experts reveal how to deal with incompatible sex drives and still have a happy and fulfilling marriage-

* Taking the pressure off the partner with a lower sexual drive

Incompatible sex drive, or mismatched desire, is the most common issue I see in my work with couples. This isn’t too surprising as it is rare that two people will want sex with the same frequency at the same times throughout the course of their relationship. Often a pattern emerges of one partner asking for sex and then feeling rejected which can cause a further divide. My recommendation is for the partner with the higher sex drive to cultivate a steady masturbation practice to take the pressure off of the lower drive partner. I am also a big advocate for scheduling sex in advance. This takes the guesswork out of “when are we going to have sex?” and builds anticipation, which is very sexy.

* Finding a middle ground

Sex is not just about vaginal-penile intercourse, it can encompass many different layers of sexual activities such as solo masturbation, kissing, engaging in foreplay together, or co-masturbation. If one partner desires sex more frequently, how often is intercourse desired, versus, other sexual acts? It’s about finding a middle ground so that both partners feel heard and respected for their desires. If partners can discuss their needs openly and honestly, and commit to finding a compromise, they can focus less on their incompatibility, and more on finding sexual activities that satisfy both of them.

* Flexibility, respect, and acceptance

Some couples put together individual lists (called sexual menus) of what they would like to do and how often, then compare notes with each other. Each person could rate the items on their list red, yellow, green according to their desire and willingness to do them. They can also rate frequency and time of day the same way, then compile a list of things each person has given the green light to.

* Bridge the gap between libidos with willingness

It’s not a matter of drive, but of willingness. There are two types of desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is the type we feel when we fall in love and are infatuated with someone; spontaneous desire is what we see in the movies: two people exchange a heated glance across a room and then next they’re falling into each other’s arms, unable to even make to the bedroom. But in long-term relationships, spontaneous desire often transitions to a responsive desire for one or both partners. Responsive desire means just that: desire responds to something that comes before it. This is a radical notion, because for most of us if we don’t feel desire then we’re not going to have sex. But if desire doesn’t come first in a responsive desire model, then you might never have sex.

* Open communication

Open, honest communication is key. It’s important to understand each other’s needs as well as limitations in order to respectfully negotiate towards a sex life that works for both partners. Creating a sex menu can help open up new possibilities. Additionally, seeing a certified sex therapist can be beneficial.