5 Ways To Deal With Intimacy Incompatibility

Sexual satisfaction of both the partners is extremely important to have a fulfilling married life. But what happens when the partners have unmatched libidos? Should the people with a higher drive compromise on their sexual needs or should they seek sexual fulfillment outside of their marriage? Should the partners with the lower sex drive give in to the sexual requests of the other partner unwillingly? Whichever may be the case, there is bound to be resentment and conflict in the relationship, that can ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.

* Improve sexual happiness

Sexual incompatibility is fairly common human experience. It should not be a deal-breaker UNLESS that incompatibility causes you heartache. When I work with a couple keen on saving or improving their marriage, I treat incompatibility as a function of natural biological differentials that can be balanced to build a healthier relationship. The only exception is when incompatibility causes so much underlying friction that one or both partners can’t or won’t do the work. If it’s deteriorated into a Mexican stand-off, divorce should be on the table. But, depending on your commitment to the marriage (and taking the welfare of any kids you have into account), you can accommodate most sexual differentials by building new skills and creating new rules and boundaries that keep you both satisfied.

* Taking the pressure off the partner with a lower sexual drive

Incompatible sex drive, or mismatched desire, is the most common issue I see in my work with couples. This isn’t too surprising as it is rare that two people will want sex with the same frequency at the same times throughout the course of their relationship. Often a pattern emerges of one partner asking for sex and then feeling rejected which can cause a further divide. My recommendation is for the partner with the higher sex drive to cultivate a steady masturbation practice to take the pressure off of the lower drive partner. I am also a big advocate for scheduling sex in advance. This takes the guesswork out of “when are we going to have sex?” and builds anticipation, which is very sexy.

* Finding a middle ground

Sex is not just about vaginal-penile intercourse, it can encompass many different layers of sexual activities such as solo masturbation, kissing, engaging in foreplay together, or co-masturbation. If one partner desires sex more frequently, how often is intercourse desired, versus, other sexual acts? It’s about finding a middle ground so that both partners feel heard and respected for their desires. If partners can discuss their needs openly and honestly, and commit to finding a compromise, they can focus less on their incompatibility, and more on finding sexual activities that satisfy both of them.

* Flexibility, respect, and acceptance

Some couples put together individual lists (called sexual menus) of what they would like to do and how often, then compare notes with each other. Each person could rate the items on their list red, yellow, green according to their desire and willingness to do them. They can also rate frequency and time of day the same way, then compile a list of things each person has given the green light to.

* Make efforts

Couples should think about the difference between being turned on already vs the willingness to be turned on. A lower libido partner who is not yet ready to be intimate but willing to arrive at that place creates more flexibility in the relationship. Similarly, I encourage higher libido partners to expand their ideas about what it means to be “intimate” – does it have to be a sex act? What about hugging, holding hands in bed and talking, being emotionally vulnerable.