20 Ways To Actually Fix Communication

You know that awkward moment when you’re trying to read your partner’s mind and your accuracy is about on par with a fortune cookie? Or when you find yourselves stuck in the same circular argument for the third time this month—both speaking the same language, yet somehow completely missing each other?

Here’s the truth: learning to communicate better in a relationship isn’t about turning into some emotionally evolved guru.

It’s about understanding why your nervous system panics when your partner asks for space, or why you shut down the moment conversations get intense.

The good news? Communication is a skill—and skills can be learned. Below are research-backed ways to improve how you and your partner connect, starting today.

According to Dr. John Gottman’s decades of research, couples who communicate well don’t just talk more. They develop what he calls emotional attunement—the ability to truly see, hear, and respond to each other’s inner world instead of simply waiting for their turn to be right.

Some of these strategies may feel uncomfortable at first. That’s normal. It’s just your nervous system clinging to familiar patterns—even when those patterns aren’t helping.

# Master the Art of Truly Listening

Stop rehearsing your response while they’re speaking. Practice what Dr. Carl Rogers called empathic listening—focus on understanding their emotional experience, not just their words.

# Vulnerability Is Your Superpower

Start small: say “I’m feeling overwhelmed today” instead of “I’m fine.” Research by Dr. Brené Brown shows that vulnerability is a direct pathway to connection (Daring Greatly, 2012).

# Quit the Assumption Game

Your brain loves filling in blanks—usually with worst-case stories. Replace assumptions with curiosity: “I noticed you’ve been quieter than usual. What’s going on?”

# Make “I” Statements Your Default

“I feel unheard when we talk about money” lands very differently than “You never listen.” You’re sharing your experience without triggering defensiveness.

# Remember: Your Body Is Communicating Too

Over half of communication is nonverbal. Practice open posture, uncrossed arms, facing each other, and gentle eye contact.

# Align Words With Actions

Following through builds trust; broken promises chip away at it. Your partner’s nervous system notices the pattern—even if they don’t say it out loud.

# Communication Is a Team Sport

You can’t fix relationship communication on your own. Both partners need to show up and participate.

# Put the Phone Down

Save meaningful conversations for face-to-face moments. Text strips away tone and context—and often turns small issues into big misunderstandings.

# Not Everything Needs an Immediate Fix

When emotions run high and your heart rate spikes, your rational brain checks out. Take a 20-minute break to regulate before continuing.

# Regulate Emotions Without Suppressing Them

Stay connected to your feelings without letting them take over. Try naming what’s happening: “I’m feeling anxious right now.”

# This Isn’t a Courtroom

The goal is understanding, not winning. The moment you start building a case, communication turns into a debate.

# Choose the Right Moment

Avoid heavy conversations during stressful or chaotic times. Pick moments when you’re both emotionally available and mentally present.

# Use Humor Wisely

A little levity can ease tension—but don’t use jokes to dodge uncomfortable feelings. Some conversations are meant to feel heavy.

# Let Them Finish

Interrupting guarantees missed meaning. Practice generous listening—full attention, no rebuttal rehearsals.

# Step Into Their Emotional Shoes

When your partner is upset, ask yourself: “If I felt this way, what would I need?” Dr. Daniel Siegel’s research shows feeling understood helps regulate the nervous system (Mindsight, 2010).

# Practice Before You Need It

Build good communication habits during calm times. Regular check-ins like “How are you feeling about us lately?” prevent crisis-mode conversations.

# Start Small and Build

Don’t jump from emotional silence to marathon processing sessions. Begin with low-stakes sharing and grow from there.

# Ask Better Questions

Curiosity opens doors. Try: “What was the best part of your day?” or “What’s been weighing on your mind?”

# Address Issues Early

Handle frustrations while they’re still small. Unspoken resentment doesn’t disappear—it compounds.

# Schedule Relationship Check-Ins

Yes, really. Once a month, ask: “How are we doing? What’s working? What could be better?” Think of it as preventive maintenance for your relationship.