5 Argument Tactics That Ruin Any Relationship

The skills we need for relationships aren’t taught in school like math or English, and they’re not always intuitive. It’s easy to be nice to our partners when things are going well, but less so when there’s conflict. When something’s wrong, we often default to behaviors that shield us from further negative interactions. And while these tactics, may seem like the best course of action in the moment, it can damage a relationship over time. And left unhandled, they can bring about the end a relationship.

But like math or English, relationship skills can be learned. And even behaviors that have become instinctual can be overcome if you’re aware of them. To help you get a better understanding of how negative ways of dealing with conflict that can ruin a relationship, here’s a breakdown of some of the most common tactics that can be harmful.

# Stonewalling

Stonewalling and the next three communication breakdowns listed here are what Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute refers to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for relationships. Stonewalling is shutting down during an uncomfortable conversation or fight, so that your partner will eventually tire out and leave you alone. It’s bad because your partner is unable to resolve the issue. As a result, they feel unheard and won’t understand how you feel about the situation.

# Criticism

Everybody’s a critic, and nobody likes being criticized. So don’t do it. That’s not to say you can’t confront your partner about specific things, but don’t ascribe judgements about their character to the behavior they’re exhibiting. The difference between a complaint and criticism is that a complaint addresses a specific issue, criticism admonishes whom they are as a person. It’s a subtle but important distinction to make.

# Contempt

Contempt is when we respond to our partners with malice. It takes the form of mocking or pointed sarcasm, often with plausible deniability. It’s aim is to make your partner feel small to gain a power advantage in the relationship. It often arises when you have deep-seated negative feelings about your partner or the relationship. Needless to say this behavior is a terrible way to communicate and spells disaster for your relationship if not handled quickly.

# Defensiveness

Defensiveness is about more than having a disagreement with your partner’s complaints—it’s a refusal to consider the validity of their claims. Defensiveness takes personal fault and redirects it onto the partner, which results in a communication stalemate.

# Withholding Sex

This is pretty common when there’s a sustained residual anger or a lack of intimacy in the relationship. Withholding sex is used as a tactic to to communicate to your partner that they upset you, often without the accompanying explanation of what they did to upset you.