8 Major Signs Of A Codependent Relationship

Codependency is a circular relationship that feeds into and is fed by a vicious cycle. The giver can not help but give while the taker’s instinct is to extract as much as possible from their partner. Both provoke each other to maintain this unhealthy cycle of codependency.

We’ve curated this list of 8 sure-shot warning signs of a codependent relationship. A perusal should reveal the problem areas in your relationship (if any). In case these signs resonate with you, don’t worry. Bonobology won’t just be there for the analysis, we’ll give you a few pointers on healing too. All we ask of you is honesty and objectivity when you go through this list. Don’t let anything cloud your judgment and strive for objectivity.

# Excessive TLC

This is a hallmark among codependent relationship signs – one partner takes excessive care of the other in all spheres of their life. The caretaker is a mother/father figure in their partner’s life. They feel responsible for the dependent to a large extent and monitor or manage their schedule. Despite their best intentions, the caretaker cripples the dependent, increasing their sense of victimhood. Disproportionate concern and care are the beginnings of an unhealthy bond.

Since codependent relationships are largely seen in cases of addiction or substance abuse, the need to care for an ailing partner intensifies. Allow us to illustrate with an example. Stacy and Mark have been together for over a year. While they started off pretty well, Stacy’s friends have begun to notice the early signs of a codependent relationship in their equation. She is unnecessarily worried about Mark’s sobriety as he’s a recovering addict.

# Codependent relationship signs – Lack of individuality

Hmmmm, you can’t talk about the warning signs of codependent relationships without addressing the lack of individuality in both partners. It is a widely known fact that balancing independence in relationships is vital for the health of both people involved. When the relationship becomes whole and sole to someone, trouble looms. A romantic bond is an integral part of one’s life but it cannot be life itself.

The caretaker or benefactor devotes everything to their partner. There is no sense of individuality because they continue to give, give, and give. Most of their time is occupied by the tasks they do for their partner. On the other hand, the victim has surrendered their decision-making powers; they are happy to exist in a limited way of life. If you suspect your relationship to be going down this path, ask yourself – does my life revolve around my partner?

# Boundaries? What’s that all about?

Setting healthy boundaries is non-negotiable in any relationship. Shivanya says, “A codependent connection is essentially dysfunctional. And this is because both partners lack the ability to draw boundaries. They invade each other’s space often and this has harmful repercussions. The dependent, for instance, completely relies on the caretaker for their emotional needs. This is bound to get exhausting eventually – the latter will experience burnout.

In some cases, codependency leads to a breach of financial and sexual boundaries as well. This occurs when the caretaker gives the victim complete access to their finances or sets no ground rules in the bedroom. When you begin to notice a loss of boundaries, know you are witnessing the signs of an unhealthy codependent relationship. Respecting the other’s personal arena is the cornerstone of any healthy romantic relationship.

# Signs of a codependent relationship – Constant stress

If being with your partner does not bring you joy, comfort, and security, something is going wrong. One of the most evident signs of a toxic codependent relationship is constant stress on one or both partners. And isn’t this quite natural? The caretaker experiences anxiety, burnout, and stress because they are in charge of their partner at all times. The emotional and physical responsibility takes a toll on them; by extension, they become unhappy and bitter in the long run.

The victim might experience comfort in giving up their autonomy initially but after a certain point, they also get stressed due to the caretaker’s micro-managing. The setup is quite unsustainable (more on this later) and both partners end up reinforcing each other’s worst tendencies. They are trapped in a cycle where they are constantly worrying about the relationship. Tell us, is this something you are going through?

# Missing: Self-esteem

The signs of a codependent relationship are invariably indicative of low self-esteem. This holds for both the caretaker and the victim. It’s definitely a question of self-worth and self-image for both codependent partners in the relationship. The caretaker derives their self-worth by looking after their partner – their source of fulfillment is another individual. There is a need for approval and recognition. And on the other hand, the victim is not willing to take ownership of their life. They too, are running low on self-worth.

# Codependent relationship traits – Ineffective communication

A dysfunctional couple dynamic is characterized by bad communication. No wonder it is one of the top signs of a toxic codependent relationship. Both individuals have trouble communicating with honesty. The caretaker does not express what the victim needs to work on.

It is important to convey your partner’s flaws to them – if you don’t identify their tendencies, who will? But the caretaker fears that they will be abandoned by the partner if they are empowered. Worried that they will lose their sense of purpose, the caretaker never makes their partner self-sufficient. The victim also doesn’t stop the monitoring or stand up for themselves.

# S for sacrifice

Everything has an opportunity cost. The caretaker doesn’t just look after their partner; they do so at the expense of their own life. One partner is constantly Mr/Miss Fix It. They want to troubleshoot and do everything for their dependent partner. This often involves making sacrifices. The caretaker makes these with a sense of glory of service and they take pride in these choices. It could be anything – turning down a promotion, paying off debts, moving cities, etc.

However, it is important to remember that these sacrifices are made of the codependent person’s own volition in the spirit of selfless love. Compromising one’s own present/future constantly and willingly is detrimental, to say the least.

# The many forms of abuse

Codependency involves a significant amount of psychological and emotional abuse. And don’t get us wrong, it’s a two-way street. As we explained, both individuals reinforce problematic behaviors. Consequently, both suffer emotionally. Besides the toxic loop they are in, abuse creeps into the relationship due to hostility. There are two common instances at play – a) the victim taking advantage of the caretaker or b) the caretaker becoming abusive toward the victim.

Scenario A happens when addicts (recovering or otherwise) begin to take their partners’ feelings for granted and put them below their own feelings and own needs. When everything is done for them, they become insensitive toward the caretaker. They think, “Where can she/he go after all?” Physical and financial abuse are not unheard of in codependent relationships. Scenario B occurs when caretakers become bitter over time and begin keeping score of the sacrifices they have made for their partner. They engage in verbal abuse and manipulation to control their better half.